Children's Day -- June 1

Excuse me while I digress from all things moving related for a moment.

Recently I have seen comments from parents of new/older adoptees asking about Children’s Day in China. I have also seen some lamenting it. My purpose isn’t to judge or criticize or shame but to encourage adoptive parents to reconsider the holiday by providing some insight into how the Chinese celebrate Children’s Day, and perhaps even uncover some aspects of this holiday that can strengthen family relationships rather than cause distress and conflict.

As adoptive parents we are often reminded that incorporating our child’s culture into our family life is an important aspect of international adoption. To this end many, myself included, spend considerable time, effort, and expense on celebrating Chinese New Year and Moon Festival, two major Chinese holidays. What I have come to understand (realizing that practices vary considerably around the country and from orphanage to orphanage) is that the two biggest holidays for children in orphanages are Chinese New Year and Children’s Day. In fact, few children, unless they are in foster homes, will have much knowledge or experience with Moon Festival – it is a fairly minor event on the calendar. Celebrations of Chinese New Year may be elaborate with performances, red envelopes and special foods, or fairly simple non-events with visitors bringing extra bags of candy, oranges and peanuts. Many children will have fairly minimal understanding of what the holiday is about, and the actual New Year’s Day is often a very quiet one because much of the staff is gone to see their own families.

While Children’s Day in the US, which was once primarily celebrated by churches on the first Sunday in June, seems to have all but disappeared, in China it is going strong. Children’s Day is a school holiday, though many schools, from pre-school through middle school, arrange “field day” type events where students and parents compete together on teams and individually. Preparations are elaborate and begin weeks in advance. City parks are filled with performances, carnival rides and other events for families to enjoy together. A significant indicator of the national importance of this holiday is that government workers receive half day off, and many private employers also allow parents to take some time off to enjoy with their child. It would not be an overstatement to say that Children’s Day is one of the top three holidays in China, and probably second only to New Year. Like most Chinese holidays, it is a very family-centric affair.

So, if Children’s Day is a family celebration, why do so many children from orphanages seem to know about it? Significantly for our adopted children, particularly older ones, Children’s Day is a very inclusive holiday: every orphanage that I know makes a major event of Children’s Day.  Within the orphanage there are often events, performances, special meals, and definitely lots of candy. Volunteers, community groups, businesses, schools and local government officials all may pay a visit to the orphanage to smile and pass out treats. Some children may have the opportunity to go for a special outing to a park or cultural center where there are community events and performances. It almost seems that for this one day of the year even the forgotten, “left behind” children are in the spotlight. When you think of it, it’s a pretty amazing thing and no wonder why -- in a life that was fairly bleak and monotonous -- Children’s Day stands out as a special and important memory of your child’s life in China.

As you might surmise by now, I think that there is value in continuing the Children’s Day tradition with our adopted children, and particularly with those who have positive memories of it. Here are three reasons why:

• As we pat ourselves on the back for being culturally sensitive, incorporating Chinese food, decorations, customs, holidays into the life of our family, it seems that our children should have a say in what they want to keep and what they want to leave behind. Children’s Day is clearly a part of that. In fact, if your child is asking to celebrate Children’s Day it may be one of the few positive associations he or she has with his birth culture. The decision to take that away should not be taken lightly.
• While we may not love every aspect of Children’s Day (as reported by our children), the message we send when we deliberately discount our child’s request is troubling. Not only are we showing disrespect toward a part of their culture (what you did in China is not good) but also sending a fairly strong message that what is important to him or her is not important to us. I think of the joy that many adoptive parents feel when they see their child “celebrating” their birthday with a cake sent to the orphanage. While the child certainly enjoys the attention and the flower and fruit covered cake, the real joy is due to the parent’s many happy memories of birthdays gone by and the sadness we feel that our child hasn’t had that experience. I think there is a fairly clear parallel to a child’s experience with Children’s Day – a day looked forward to with anticipation due to many years of great memories. And yet we believe it is just fine to wipe that away? Sure, we are substituting something that we feel is just as good (or better), i.e., birthdays, Halloween, Christmas. But until our child has built up that same history and context, it is not the same to him; to him it is like NOT celebrating his birthday anymore.
• Children’s Day is fundamentally an opportunity to celebrate our children within the context of family. The benefits of reinforcing this message with our children seem obvious: every opportunity to communicate through words and actions that we value our children is an opportunity to build esteem and a sense of belonging.

How do we do it? Embracing Children’s Day does not necessarily mean following the dictates of your child in terms of how it is celebrated, but it does mean respecting their memories and building on that. Some things to consider:

• Refrain from recrafting the day to fit our agenda, such as saying that Halloween is the same thing. It isn’t so let’s be honest – it is their memories and their holiday and respecting that should be a fundamental goal.
• Listen to your child. Make a list together of all the things he or she remembers. Watch her face for the memories that light her up – that’s what you want to recreate. If candy is a big part of those memories, then find a way to include her favorite candies in moderation. If you can make a trip to the Asian market for “white rabbits,” all the better!
• Shape the conversation. While our children may be excited about celebrating Children’s Day, few probably have a real idea of the meaning of the day. What an incredible opportunity to communicate that China does value her children and weave your family narrative through that message. Talk about what you love about your family and encourage your child to do the same.
• Above all, spend time. That is really what Children’s Day in China is all about: a day to take a time out to celebrate children and family and best of all children IN families. Take a half day off; cancel evening activities; do something together to create new memories together.  

Happy Children's Day!